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Sowing... for a rich harvest...

Just completed reading a story - Fiesta by Devu HanehaLLi... in UdayavaaNi... and was some sort of a wakeup smack on the head... The title used... is a phrase in this story...Its all about how an individual with all bigger purpose in mind misses to see the primary purpose of situations... He initially believes in "Sowing... for a rich harvest..." ... and finally realizes... Sowing is different from harvesting... though they seem linked... they are not... they are independent... they are beyond that bigger purpose... they are around that primary ones...Offlate its been too confusing... if all this is about happiness... or just about that... whatever that is... I've realized all of us ... somehow or the other... keep doing those same tasks... that had caused us pain, misery at some point of time, for us or for somebody else... because we did them. And I am unable to figure out why...Similar pattern of behaviors are repeated again and again... consciously or unconsciously... that lead to similar set of pains... Is it because we actually inherently like them?... I don't know... Or may be its all about masking the primary purposes with a bigger one...Its a weird feeling to carry weight... At times... u feel proud because u have been able to carry them... and many times... u feel weak because u can't carry them anymore... You just would want to shed them away, feel light and run around like mad ... and ... and... you don't even know if you should carry them... or weirder... why did u start off carrying in first place... but you do... because you feel its right... because you feel you have been entrusted with this weight... because you are working for that bigger purpose... but really... you have no idea why are you actually doing this... practically loosing out on the primary ...I wish I could shed weight...I know I can... I know I want to...I know I can't... I also know I don't want to...Essentially Dubious,Darshan.

A story from... a story in memory...

I guess this was a story I had read in a Kannada weekly... on some chance written by MogaLLi Ganesh or Shantharama Somayaaji... I dont know... or may be a story I had heard... witnessed or ... enacted...-------------( Nowadays I was able to walk around people without them noticing me... and to my surprise I was also listening to their thoughts... Initially, had very tough time listening to all those stuff people think, never had I realized I was not alone in the world of hypocrites... How we would rationalize our thoughts and deeds for a bigger cause, but deep down inside lies that selfish motive of searching, finding and clinging ... for just a reason... for existence. I had had enough of them... and to get away from all these ... took a week off... caught some bus at the KSRTC bus station, with my handbag consisting of basic necessities... Later got to know that I was on my way to Belur along with the bus... I heard some things here and there in the people around me... until I fell asleep, deeply. Suddenly, I got up and looked around. Bus had halted in a haphazard manner. It was 5:15 in the morning... weather was chill. Few seats were empty and I got down to see a flat tyre and to realize the reason for the bus to stop... I got back in, picked my hand bag, got down and informed the conductor and driver that I am on my own... I wanted some fresh air, fresh water and a lot of silence... I asked the conductor and he informed that I was about a couple of miles away from Yagachi river... Thanked him and treaded my way in the direction he pointed... )( 30 mins walk and I heard the serene flow of water in a near distant place. Followed the sound and 5 mins... I saw the river... flowing peacefully amidst the silence and fields... I walked some more to reach the side of river deep enough for clear water and comfortable enough to pull out water from my hand.. Water was crystal and chill and ... pretty deep to keep me cautious. About a 100 feet away from me... I saw an old man... may be around 65, but seemed older than that... He was sobbing ... and contemplating, not about what to do... but seemed like ...as to why it happened... as if consolidating his burden... As usual, he dint notice me... and I started hearing his thoughts... him... )...collected that remaining money from seena ... 705 rupees... kept it in the trunk and informed rathna to be careful about it... that�s the last piece I will ever give her... she will see my chain and ring also whenever she looks for the money... paid shetty 12rupees 75 paise, for previous months stuff for the house... Will is safe in the trunk for the 2 acre land and the house... money order done for daughter for this year�s Gauri pooja... Informed manju to take care of the fields and rathna... he was surprised as to what was wrong with me... she was his wife and he always took care of me... the fields and rathna as a routine... and there was no need for me to say that today... He was confused and gave a child like smile... this old man is going nuts... hmmm... that is all I think.... hmmm... may be 5 more minutes...( He removed his glasses, removed his Kurta... folded it neatly and kept it beside on a stone... got up and removed his 'punche'... again folded it neatly and kept it on the folded kurta... wore his glasses again... He was in his knee length striped shorts ... he continued with his thoughts... )What really went wrong with the way I had done things... not 1, not 2, 4 kids... 3 boys... 1 girl... I gave them all I could give them within my limits and abilities... Gave them the education and courage to make them independent and self-reliable... I think I had done my duty as a father and as a husband... Lakshmi never had any complains... she was always with me... for good... for bad... until 6 months ago... until this Sankranti... sob.. sob... ( and wipes his tears )... Many of my friends have either gone to stay with their kids... or gone for good.. he.. he... ( smiles hysterically ) ...sob .. sob... ( wipes his tears )... all I am looking for is... I cant ask my kids that ... they are well settled... but... this is not about money... not about supporting me financially... sob.. sob... but what shall I do... and ... and... I just don�t fit among them... All my daughters in law are fine... they will let me be among them... and my sons wont mind.. as long their wives don�t mind... he he ( again smiles hysterically )... but I know... I am an ill fit... I cant stand the way they treat their kids... all the pampering they do... and the way they tolerate their misbehavior... I loose my temper and yell at them... and later... feel really sorry for that and keep mum... and get picky about everything that is around me... worsening the air in their homes... Within 6 months... I've been in all 3 places... and ... I know I have made them feel disgusted about me... they would still let me be with them... but... I know.. I know.. they would not want me to ... I did miss something... How is that I bore all the mischief my kids did... and all the trouble that I went through fixing their lives back on the right track ... for various silly things they did... for all the serious mistakes they did... Why made me do all this to them... and why does it not get reciprocated to me ... and not even in small percentage... If Lakshmi was around... it would have been .... ( sigh )... sob.. sob... and it is really tough... really painful ( tears are rolling down his cheeks )... I am unable to take it anymore... I guess I had to see this day ... this way... I guess I am done... I cant take it anymore... ( He starts crying like a kid... with a feeble sound a grown up makes of pain )( He looks at me.... but I am not sure... if he saw me... he removes his specks and keeps them on his clothes... wipes his tears... his eyes are red... with a tinge of hope ... if by anyway it could turn different ... or... is it .... a fistful of remorse... as if this is not what he wanted, how he wanted... ... ... He picks a meter length rope lying beside him... ties it to his right ankle... I see the other end tied to a half of a cubic feet rock... He picks the stone with both his hands... looks at me again... and then on the other side... looks behind him... looks above towards the sky closes his eyes... and slides... )( I see him go down... into the river... releasing the stone... to pull him down slow... I close my eyes tight with the fear of watching everything... and then... praying God... for helping him ask the 'Why' he had never asked before ... for finally letting him be what he is... and what he had never dared to be... ... ... Something struck... and I quickly lifted my leg up from the flowing river... sat their for some more time shedding some tears... got up and started walking... in search of the highway ... amidst the silence of thoughts... )-------------Obnoxious,Darshan

Creepy... Imagination.... :-O

May be this is a continuation of "I am missing..."... but just that it has turned out a lot more creepier with my imagination... Read it along... with a hope of understanding... whatever it is...Many have said it... written it... in various forms and rhymes. But to realize it without having anything to justify... is absolutely weird. It is about this feeling within... around me... as if I am supposed to do something. As if entire world is revolving around me... as if 'they' all are just watching me to do it... But the point is... I have no idea... if they are wanting me to pick the bait... or watching me to entangle the knot... ???!!!Nobody around me... including myself are giving me any clue... Then, how am I supposed to know what am I supposed to do... I tried talking to people a lot, tried thinking a lot, tried making happy face a lot and all that lot many sort. Nothing happened. That hunch that something is going to happen is going stronger and stronger. Then I thought that may be I should be a lot silent, or may be I should watch a lot of TV programs... or even just cry out loud to drain that tear tank in my head.Having been silent a lot, I lost touch... and spoke a lot of gibberish, which due to situation or my reputation or by sheer coincidence... also made a lot of sense... and made it bad to worse... Is it really happening for real or am I in a dream... Damn....And then, I watched a lot of TV and movies, but even then that feeling came back and forth, during the scenes, during commercials, making me jump out of the seat and wander around, telling myself... do it - do it now... and 5 seconds later... I am back in the seat... waiting for the next pulse of 'do it - do it now'... to hit me on my head...And then, I tried crying and was successful... (without ever getting to know why I cried)... and the feeling ... that me having supposed to have done something went away... may be for a few hours... but then... it came back again... with the same intensity... and insanity...Here I am writing all this all along... with the hope of finding answers... to get away with that pin pricking feeling... and that urge to do something but not knowing what to do. May be ... I should cry periodically, to atleast keep that feeling away for sometime... but whats the use ... it is just a pacifier... and that feeling is deep down there... eating me inside out... burning me within... ripping me apart...IF.... (sigh) Only if everything could happen just like that, without a purpose, without a reason... without a..... (sigh...) ... WHY .....................................................................................................................Eitherways... if you find out as to what I am supposed to do... or want to collude with me against these/those conspirators ... let me knowPsychingOutInTheInsaneWorld@The.OnTheTimeAxis- Darshan

I, Consciousness and its variants...

There are some of those questions that get revisited within me again and again and get their definitions redefined as per on what i have turned out to be this moment -What is I? What is consciousness?All the while i thought I was hullucination (and definitely not delusion), where, what you see is never what you get... And then i thought may be I is just a feeling of being alive, feeling of existence. i had my troubles of describing this feeling, but for its perception in the form of chemical reactions and chemical compositions. Sometimes i think I may be a combination of both or it is neither of them... Somehow there seems to be some fun in keeping this uncertain...!So be it...With definition of I being clear...! , i will try defining consciousness... about which i seem to be more certain than the prior...Consciousness looks like the feeling of I... It is more of a feeling of being there than the feeling of existing there... i feel the pressure of every ray of light on my eyes... i am completely aware of the itch on my nose behind those specks... i am blatantly aware of the breath i seem to be taking without any feeling of air particles gushing through my nose... and ... and ... and...my uncertainity doesn't let me use I for i... still lot of thoughts pending...As a prologue to why people feel sad...As an epilogue to why people feel sad...my consciously...Darshan.

I'm missing something...

Started off with a forward received 2 days ago... which had a question as to 'what do you want'. All I knew was this..., that I dont know.... A Friend gave me a way asking if I knew 'what I want' and 'what I need'.And ..., now I know...'I have all I need..., now..., what do I want'...!I am still searching, within and around........Recently been reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged... feeling every word of it, every ounce of Objectivism scattered around in the Novel. I see myself among those fighting for a purpose against those who think are aware of the purpose. But neither of them know what the purpose is or what they think they are aware of that purpose.Many years of married life and a question like 'why did he/she agree to marry me' is devastating. More interestingly, would the answer now be the same as the answer then or the answer later?Is that person that ONE thing I WANT the most in my life or a MEANS to that ONE thing I WANT the most in my life...BTW, I dont think I NEED either of them, either...Objectivating...If thats what I could call it...Darshan.