A story from... a story in memory...

I guess this was a story I had read in a Kannada weekly... on some chance written by MogaLLi Ganesh or Shantharama Somayaaji... I dont know... or may be a story I had heard... witnessed or ... enacted...-------------( Nowadays I was able to walk around people without them noticing me... and to my surprise I was also listening to their thoughts... Initially, had very tough time listening to all those stuff people think, never had I realized I was not alone in the world of hypocrites... How we would rationalize our thoughts and deeds for a bigger cause, but deep down inside lies that selfish motive of searching, finding and clinging ... for just a reason... for existence. I had had enough of them... and to get away from all these ... took a week off... caught some bus at the KSRTC bus station, with my handbag consisting of basic necessities... Later got to know that I was on my way to Belur along with the bus... I heard some things here and there in the people around me... until I fell asleep, deeply. Suddenly, I got up and looked around. Bus had halted in a haphazard manner. It was 5:15 in the morning... weather was chill. Few seats were empty and I got down to see a flat tyre and to realize the reason for the bus to stop... I got back in, picked my hand bag, got down and informed the conductor and driver that I am on my own... I wanted some fresh air, fresh water and a lot of silence... I asked the conductor and he informed that I was about a couple of miles away from Yagachi river... Thanked him and treaded my way in the direction he pointed... )( 30 mins walk and I heard the serene flow of water in a near distant place. Followed the sound and 5 mins... I saw the river... flowing peacefully amidst the silence and fields... I walked some more to reach the side of river deep enough for clear water and comfortable enough to pull out water from my hand.. Water was crystal and chill and ... pretty deep to keep me cautious. About a 100 feet away from me... I saw an old man... may be around 65, but seemed older than that... He was sobbing ... and contemplating, not about what to do... but seemed like ...as to why it happened... as if consolidating his burden... As usual, he dint notice me... and I started hearing his thoughts... him... )...collected that remaining money from seena ... 705 rupees... kept it in the trunk and informed rathna to be careful about it... that�s the last piece I will ever give her... she will see my chain and ring also whenever she looks for the money... paid shetty 12rupees 75 paise, for previous months stuff for the house... Will is safe in the trunk for the 2 acre land and the house... money order done for daughter for this year�s Gauri pooja... Informed manju to take care of the fields and rathna... he was surprised as to what was wrong with me... she was his wife and he always took care of me... the fields and rathna as a routine... and there was no need for me to say that today... He was confused and gave a child like smile... this old man is going nuts... hmmm... that is all I think.... hmmm... may be 5 more minutes...( He removed his glasses, removed his Kurta... folded it neatly and kept it beside on a stone... got up and removed his 'punche'... again folded it neatly and kept it on the folded kurta... wore his glasses again... He was in his knee length striped shorts ... he continued with his thoughts... )What really went wrong with the way I had done things... not 1, not 2, 4 kids... 3 boys... 1 girl... I gave them all I could give them within my limits and abilities... Gave them the education and courage to make them independent and self-reliable... I think I had done my duty as a father and as a husband... Lakshmi never had any complains... she was always with me... for good... for bad... until 6 months ago... until this Sankranti... sob.. sob... ( and wipes his tears )... Many of my friends have either gone to stay with their kids... or gone for good.. he.. he... ( smiles hysterically ) ...sob .. sob... ( wipes his tears )... all I am looking for is... I cant ask my kids that ... they are well settled... but... this is not about money... not about supporting me financially... sob.. sob... but what shall I do... and ... and... I just don�t fit among them... All my daughters in law are fine... they will let me be among them... and my sons wont mind.. as long their wives don�t mind... he he ( again smiles hysterically )... but I know... I am an ill fit... I cant stand the way they treat their kids... all the pampering they do... and the way they tolerate their misbehavior... I loose my temper and yell at them... and later... feel really sorry for that and keep mum... and get picky about everything that is around me... worsening the air in their homes... Within 6 months... I've been in all 3 places... and ... I know I have made them feel disgusted about me... they would still let me be with them... but... I know.. I know.. they would not want me to ... I did miss something... How is that I bore all the mischief my kids did... and all the trouble that I went through fixing their lives back on the right track ... for various silly things they did... for all the serious mistakes they did... Why made me do all this to them... and why does it not get reciprocated to me ... and not even in small percentage... If Lakshmi was around... it would have been .... ( sigh )... sob.. sob... and it is really tough... really painful ( tears are rolling down his cheeks )... I am unable to take it anymore... I guess I had to see this day ... this way... I guess I am done... I cant take it anymore... ( He starts crying like a kid... with a feeble sound a grown up makes of pain )( He looks at me.... but I am not sure... if he saw me... he removes his specks and keeps them on his clothes... wipes his tears... his eyes are red... with a tinge of hope ... if by anyway it could turn different ... or... is it .... a fistful of remorse... as if this is not what he wanted, how he wanted... ... ... He picks a meter length rope lying beside him... ties it to his right ankle... I see the other end tied to a half of a cubic feet rock... He picks the stone with both his hands... looks at me again... and then on the other side... looks behind him... looks above towards the sky closes his eyes... and slides... )( I see him go down... into the river... releasing the stone... to pull him down slow... I close my eyes tight with the fear of watching everything... and then... praying God... for helping him ask the 'Why' he had never asked before ... for finally letting him be what he is... and what he had never dared to be... ... ... Something struck... and I quickly lifted my leg up from the flowing river... sat their for some more time shedding some tears... got up and started walking... in search of the highway ... amidst the silence of thoughts... )-------------Obnoxious,Darshan